Not that you'll see this on CNN

Happy Columbus Day.

The real Columbus Day, ie the day Columbus stepped foot on the new continent way back in Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two. Yes, yes I know he was an evil man that killed babies and ate puppies for brunch. I also know that he didn't discover nothing since there were people here a gajillion years ago and of course there is a 78% chance he was gay...as were George Washington, Jesus and King Edward I through VI.

I went to college in the 1990s, I know these things and I was told if I dare question said things, I would be branded as a racist, insensitive crazy person.

But nonetheless happy 515th anniversary to the New World. Here's to 515 more.